30 is coming | Confessions in my 29th year around the sun.

Happy Early Birthday to me — my first motorcycle!
She's a vintage custom 1981 Honda CG 110 named Adieu (probably spelled that wrong, but it's a curse word in Bahasa Indonesian ;) 

Heyyyyyyy folks!

It's been a while, so I decided to make it "OFFICIAL" and do a proper blog post on my yet-to-be-updated website. There's a valid excuse for that, that I'll reveal soon by the way...

I'm in the last 30 days of my 20s.
and I couldn't be happier about it. 

Let me tell you something — I never believed people when they said my college years would fly by. But they did.  Or that they would be the best years of my life (still kinda disagree with that, but I understand their sentiments). I miss them, and if I were COMPLETELY HONEST, I would go back and change only one thing — I'd make sure I were single the. entire. four. years.

So with these thoughts in mind, I'm totally, and with open arms, believing the saying that your 30s are some glorious years. Years where putting the peddle to the metal actually counts. A time when LIVING OUT what we first learned in our 20s comes like second nature. At least that's how I'm feeling about this "shift". I've spent the latter half of my 20s, completely done with excessive partying; aggressively exploring and rediscovering who I've always been; and activating the life and lifestyle I've always dreamed of. So if you ask me, it's about gotdab time my age matches my [perceived] wisdom.

Note: the wisdom part is a joke. 

I'm still fumbling through life, but I'm choosing to fumble with a bit more grace, acceptance, and general glee for the possibilities. I have vision while embracing the bumps in the road. I own no "professional" articles of clothing, but I'm always prepared with a raincoat and elevator pitch. 

But I can say, everything happens for a reason. I'm more in touch with my innate gifts and leadership skills.  I exercise my vocal cords with the clearest of intentions (and still can't sing a lick to save my life). And I carry a whole lot less shit than I did 10 years ago. In fact, my [current] insecurities generally boil down to:

  1. Not being worthy / Fear of not being desired because I'm not in my best physical shape and sounds like this — "it's been a while, and I'm a bit unpracticed...can I still pull 'em? Ok maybe not that one...wait, naw. Yeah yeah, just try.......tomorrow. I'm tired, let's go home and do more work.) 
  2. Fear of being judged so I over analyze, rewrite, redo and buy more time before publishing my biggest piece of work to date. 

I share these because we all have them. And most times, we're so caught up with work, performing for others and attending events and whatnot, that we hardly even know WHAT our insecurities are and why. Yall, I've been putting in the work on myself too, and it's never ending...

Looking back on when I turned 20, all I can remember was wanting to belong, continue to excel in my studies and create stability for myself and my family. I dreamed of having a home, traveling, and being in exotic locations around the world. I had the appetite and energy of a 13 year old, ready to take on the world as if the equation of 'work hard + be the best = automatic success' were fool proof. I wanted to prove myself more than anything. AND see the fruits of that hard work, not only monetarily, but also through recognition and respect from my superiors and peers. I wanted the company Blackberry, packed schedule and the "say your name to join this conference call" opportunities.

Fast forward 10 years, and all I desire is love.
Simply LOVE.

More for myself. More to share with others. More in this world.
And I'm actively exploring the ways in which I can provide this, with balance and within healthy boundaries.

In it, I'm becoming more acquainted with its friends Trust, Freedom, Patience and Abundance
How about that? 

On the Eve of my actual birthday, I'll be sharing my 11 life lessons in 29 years of life. 
Stay tuned for that! 

Thanks for reading. 
xx a

Ash Johns