HMD'17 | My Mother's Prayers Found Me Abroad


Having not have grown up in a religious, bible-thumping home as a child, I've always found it interesting (read, ironic) my mother has been a devout Christian pretty much since her marriage in 1990, or so — minus the few years post-separation from my "Step Father" in the early 2000s. I've always enjoyed our family gatherings and photo album memory lane chats where I get to hear about her good'ol fiery days from my Aunt and second Cousins, where she ran the streets, "took no stuff from nobody" and was always defending not only herself, but her younger, more sassy sister and little brother. 

In those stories, I've felt a wealth of pride in knowing some of my most resilient characteristics, did indeed, come from my mother, although no one hardly sees those sides of her anymore. I don't know if the world can attribute this shift by her being washed in the blood of the lamb, aging super gracefully, or just because she's got me to light fire with the cut of my eyes to anyone who goes beyond my current understandings of conscious behavior and compassion with blatant rudeness and outrageous disrespect.

> > > Yeah, folks, it's true that I still have quite the capacity for a slippery tongue
and I hardly think of myself as Buddha-level enlightened — YET. < < <

However, in continuation of my recent post about becoming more "soft", I've been arriving at a place of great admiration of just how accommodating, consistent, and generally kind, patient and loving my mother is, even in moments of great distress and let down.  Perhaps it's because I feel a shift from my usual Kali Goddess reign of power and energy, to the more compassionate and loving Buddha / Kuan Yin flow, but for whatever the reason, I've been flowing with emotions of deep Love, Tenderness and Gratitude for days now (the full moon surely helped to amplify this as well!).

However, my mother and I have very different views on spirituality and religion. 

In fact, I don't stop short in saying she probably thinks I'm worshipping all the witches of the darkest underworld, and I'll forever think Jesus would have really been my homeboy if he EVER existed at the same time as I. Why? 'Cause I think all humans are gifted with whatever he had and he was here to motivate us to get all magical too... not to worship him...

...but i digress because that's not what this post is about. 

It's actually about how the power of my Mother's love through prayer to her God, and through her religion, met me while in a sacred meditation with an Indonesian Mangku (Spiritual Priest) in a healing session last week. And how that love literally broke and repaired my heart.

 Like many on this Earth, my mother and I have had our share of ups and downs in our relationship.
We have colored the town red with name calling (or at least I regretfully did). 
We walked away from each other and sunk back in moments of defeat. 
We have sighed the heaviest of breaths when an eye roll just couldn't cut it. 
We even physically bruised the spirit of each other... a hundred times over. 

In spite of all these instances of frustration, difficulty
and sometimes, straight up disrespect, this woman has been
the best mother the Universe ever allowed me to choose. 

While having this amazing soul connecting and karma cleansing shamanic experience, the Mangku paused to ask about my mother and how she is doing. As I responded with a smile, he stopped again and said "You are one of the most blessed ones", and continued to describe my mother physically as if she were standing in the room with us or I had shown him a photo of her. 

In his visions, he not only saw her, but also her prayers of love and protection traveling up to God and over the Earth to meet me wherever I am. 

*yes, Instant ugly tears and the urge to book a flight home, stat * 

He continued to share with me, just how great I have it, how I have a special Mother who loves me larger than most (in his slightly broken Bahasa Indonesian), pausing only to smack his lips in awe of her power, glory, connection to God and love for me. Words can not begin to express my appreciation for the trials and errors of my relationship with my mother, that we've been able to overcome them in greatness time after time, year after year, and in even more depth than I thought we could. These words also don't truly express just how much I've grown to love, respect and cherish her as much as I do. 


At Big Star Tacos in Wicker Park — Chicago, after one of my big breakups. She came and held me... over TACOS! I mean, come on! She's a gem. &lt;3&nbsp;

At Big Star Tacos in Wicker Park — Chicago, after one of my big breakups.
She came and held me... over TACOS! I mean, come on! She's a gem. <3 

But do you want to know the REAL reason why I'm sharing this story? 

It's not only to show appreciation and reverence for the woman who made me on this Mother's Day....

  • It's to honor her ability to love me so consistently. 
  • To thank her for loving me in her own way, always. 
  • To recognize how powerful her soft, feminine and nurturing ways tamed her wildest child from thousands of miles away. 
  • How she, by just being herself, has been helping me heal from the ideas of abandonment, distrust, disconnection and bitterness between mother and daughter, that has been a generational curse in our family lineage for decades. 
  • To say thanks and grace to HER Jesus and Holy Ghost for carrying her desires of love and protection to me, as I pay my respects to our Ancestors and Mother Earth daily to watch over her in my absence. 
  • To acknowledge that together, our intentions of Love and Goodness find each other in the powerful space I call "Universe" but she refers to as the "one and only Almighty God". 

To call out the fact that

To tell her, that as I sat in that special temple of healing in this Eastern world, my eyes swelled with tears, my heart opened to receive her and my arms missed her embrace. And it was in that very moment, as I felt the missing of my mother, I realized..

she inspired me to (finally) decide to become a mother — one day.

Simply because, to be perfectly honest, I'd like to pass her love on to someone just as special as I, and watch him or her, find their own way
to love and live in this world.  

* Evidence of her Fierce, Fly-ness. The 80s had no chill, and Donna was there for it. 


She made us. 

you bring me joy. I love you. Thank you.
I honor you, Forever, Mom.
Happy Mother's day!  


* Also, they were clearly all about partying and posing in 3's — hahahahahah! <3


Mom, Dad, Monty (older brother), De'Andre (lower right), Lamar Jr. (youngest brother) and Me. Age 11-ish. x

I'd love to share them with her! <3


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