moving through quickly + without attachment

written: May 22, 2017
published unedited.

on Saturday I lost my shit

Sunday I went into the depths and experienced every emotion in the book 

Sunday night I was teetering between in a state of Kali destruction mode / and utter brokenness in child like sobs. 

come Monday, i had dragged myself to the gym, followed by a 9 hour hoise visit with friends and 25 min meditation the sorted me out 


when you're doing the work, the recovery process can be as short (or long) as we want it to be. 


finishing an incomplete process from a previous love. 


and while you can never really explain or teach or share the truth of true, divine, and genuine love to someone, the proof is always in the pudding when you most desire them to find their truth in their own time, and bless their journey when it might not ever align with or look like yours.  and mean it sincerely. 


when adoration still lives even after inconsideration, compassion or full understanding. when the very nature of your sex can be used as a life experiment of learning, and just maybe that person forgot you are human, with needs, feelings and yes, even expectations... all for their personal development. when you can still be grateful for what was exchanged, how you served them, and what you were able to complete in FULL knowing you showed up. 


then, much to my denial, you deserve to be proud and grateful for thr power the Universe allow you to have this time. 


and I am. 


she told me I would get through this faster than I knew I could. and thankfully she was right. in 48 hours, I cleared a pattern that's plagued me and my ancestors for God knows how long. 


of attracting men who aren't quite ready. 

who show up only to lurk in the safety of their opinions and social testing/ experiments 

who pick and choose the extent and length of their emotional ability for the sake of avoiding the maturation of their 14 year old selves.

for not quite being ready to live consciously on all levels.  

for those who thrive on the push/ pull, catch and release, in close proximity but without commitment, enticed by feast or feminine, on their own time / terms and choice, 

who collect their women disguised as friends, and unknowingly knowingly glean what they need from each -- a sip here, a touch there, smile, kind gesture, good convo and repeat...


here's a blessing for them all.

but especially for my two. 


because by loving them, ive been able to expand beyond even what I ever knew I was or even to wanted to be capable of. 


and I know my minor role, will leave great impact of their becoming. because both of them have for me. 


so thank you. 

I'm sorry.  

please forgive me.

I love you. 


because most of all, 

my power, worth and understanding 

my sharing of my gifts and thriving 

don't live within convincing you of yoir mistakes, missed opptunituies or shortcoming in yoir journey..


but rather, in knowing that I'm showing up and living mine.