current mood. themes...
so simple, yet so complicated.
“take a deep breath, and realize you control time”. Overheard a guess giving this advice to another today.
when being alone forces you to be reintroduced to a person you realize you aren’t even vaguely familiar with…yourself. For years, my on again, off again ex-boyfriend would tell me I was lying when I said I was single (or not ‘entertaining’ anyone) during our breaks - something I’d passionately disagree with him on until now - he was right. I’ve never been one to be completely without some form of company from the opposite sex. Even if just from social or emotional situation-ship reasons. But when you relocate to the other side of the world. and you’re not one for hookups or Tinder dates, the change of perspective shines light on a few common human flaws. specifically, fear of loneliness. addiction to verbal and physical words of validation through attention. the need to ‘fill space’ with someone else’s noise…mostly to ignore the busted bass in your own space. it’s especially odd because, as social as I can be, I tend to be a homebody. an introvert thrilled at the idea of getting home to chill after a fun night of networking. a person classified as a flake to many great and close friends for my amazing ability to cancel plans last minute because…well, just because I didn’t feel like being around folks anymore. Ash Time in full force is one of my life mantras. so how does one who values personal, alone time realize she’s spent most of her life feeling the need to be connected/attached/entertaining someone intimately? and is maybe feeling unbalanced because that element is missing in a drastic way? I don’t know…but this will surely be something worth watching unfold over the next couple of months…
how do you TEACH drive? attention to detail? accountability? pride in one’s work? honest communication? ESPECIALLY in a land known for being kind to the fault of lying/omitting the truth, worrying about karma and staying polite? if you know how or have any tips, send them my way. my most frustrating moments come from ex-pats doing sloppy work. not caring about how excel spreadsheets are formatted. Leaving out important guest details. forgetting their schedules (wtf???), and just not double checking their work. for the locals, the culture is all about meeting the minimum. and staying in the box. I’m trying to run a western business in a third world country…and while the opportunity is incredibly vast and rewarding (daily), the frustrations are indescribable, especially for someone known to be quite blunt, straight forward and impatient. more lessons, more understanding, more growth here please…. because it’s the little things that make me go nuts in a big way.
I meet 15 new women on average a week. from all different backgrounds, lands, cultures, ages, life stages, etc. it’s fascinating to see my type-A sisters, each with a handful of amazing elements and particulars to offer the world and themselves, come to me broken, sad and searching. the exchange of healing, crazy and comfort is vast. and rewarding. I am equally a healer, business woman and student. all things spiral. and we are all things at any given moment.
when you have so much more, but can feel so much less connected…at what point do you completely let go and stop loving someone?